feelings

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i feel like my life if passing me by. i feel like there is a huge world outside of the one i am stuck in. i hate it.
i hate being in america, i hate living in all these situations i am having to live it, i hate my conscience, i hate my education, etc etc.
i hate waking up every morning with pain. i hate that the only thing i do lately is make a big grey blanket. sad, gloomy grey yarn and a red crochet hook.
i have been making this blanket, out of grey yarn, for the past week. i wrecked my car, so i'm pretty much stuck here. but i know if my car were not wrecked, i wouldnt go anywhere or do anything anyways. i would go to the mall and buy a shirt i cant afford, make eyecontact with no one, hate it there. go to a dirty, dark mexican restaurant. have 2 beers alone, order something off the menu so it looks like i came to eat, but i really came to drink. and then i would drive to the house that i am staying...with two people i barely know. but they are sweet and kind and they dont ask me questions, they just let me live with them. sometimes i despise them for that. most of the time i realize my own patheticness, though. and try to thank god for them.

and no emails. no messages. nothing.
i hate myself for looking for them, even still, about every other hour.
i hate that i have started this blog, because my other one was becoming an obsessive tribute.

i hate how i dont practice my religion anymore, how it just kinda hangs over me like a raincloud.
it's god saying 'no, you cant run off and sleep with anyone you want to. no, you have a peice of my spirit, so you cant just deny your sense of wisdom. no, you cant break out and away as easily as you would like.' etc etc.
the thing i hate most though, is i have god's instillation of 'no, no, no'...but i don't have his love anymore. it seems. my prayers are weak. my life is just a wreckless, passive, sluggish...
i can't get aaway from my constant feeling of emptiness and incomplete.
anyways, it would be one thing if god were nurturing of me. but i feel more and more like he's fencing me in from enjoying the fullness of life. barriers of my heart, because of him, with no explaination.
i have no friends. i developed feelings for someone who i will never know, meet, be in the same room with, i have no parents, i have no brothers or sister, i feel so lonely.
maybe it is not even loneliness. maybe i dont even feel that anymore. more like complacent with this shit.
i steal pain medication from the person i am receiving free room and board from.
i cant get the cat to like me.
it's so cold. so, so cold.
i dont want to be on medicine anymore. that is a big one. i feel like it is not fair, and i want to just quit, because i'm so numb and maybe that is why i cant feel god anymore...but i know that if i nosedive off of them, i will just start to have problems again. i need them to have a job. i need them to atleast keep making attempts at keeping or making new relationships. i need them to get up in the morning.
it's not fair. it's not fucking fair. i was once so innocent and happy and hopeful and now i'm just
a medicated ...like...junky. or something.
i wish i could go back to when i was 14 and 15.
i wish i could have told him back then not to kill himself 10 years from now. it's one of those things were you never think of an old friend at all...i mean, you do and it's like 'oh yeah, i remember that guy' but not intense. and then he kills himself, and suddenly, it's not just his life ending that gets you sad, it's the whole time in your life that you remeber, that you attatch him to. it's all over.
i'm sick now. he was sick, so he blew his brain out.
i'm sick...so i take the medicine, live with people until i wear out my welcome, then on to the next people.
fuck.
i want to know, god. i want to know if its going to worth it. i want to know why you are doing this to me. why this happened.
why you are letting me be so honest with myself right now.
why a big, long, dark grey blanket.

inconsequential

this word, inconsequential, just popped into my head. trying to think of a word that best described how i have been feeling lately. this one is perfect.