sad

i'm feeling a little...hard to tell. maybe cheated. or something like it.
paul just shut off, really. he just turned around and walked away.
i find it hard to believe, though. really. as i would, typically.
i had such strong feelings, and the way that he just Ended it. so matter of factly:
'i thought that i should write you to say i have started a new relationship'

like the one i was in with him wasnt even classified to him as a relationship at all. and likely it wasnt. he wasnt into exploring the rungs of what we had with me.
it just hurts to think that he does want to explore with someone else, all of a sudden. and he doesnt have the decency...
he's just not decent.

i am left with a husk of delusions and manifestations of a growing love for him. i dont know if i should flush them out, or what.
it hurts. i know it does, i'm not even letting myself into how much it hurts.
seems it's all streaming into one now, though, and that is the hardest part.
my dad, steve, my parents, paul, emily, etc...
it hurts.

and now this random dude wants something with me, and i dont know if i even believe in anything anymore. for him....
now i can see almost clearly the reason people only have sex. they don't explore...and when the sex gets boring, they take off....i can see it.
because it hurts to explore youself. there is a wolf on the horizon on the sanddunes, waiting for you to be weak, limp....
it's cruel.

it's not like i even wonder really what his other relationship is like. i just havent even gotten to that point. or maybe never will. it will hang in me as fake and redundant and a rung a couple below the one we were on....
i don't get it.

shallow.

so jay. i guess i should start saying his name. he is here, now. he is there. perhaps we will give eachother a good old fashion summer. or perhaps i am screwing myself over again.
i just dont see him crystal clear.
he doesnt have that 'paul integrity' where he comes right out and says 'i dont do drugs, dont need them to have a good time'.
(no. paul just needs pussy to have a good time.)

and i dont appologize for it.

jay....has potential to be a good friend for me. we have had some of the same problems, traumas. it's neat, the more i talk to him, the more right it seems. good thing.
we are exploring. :)