i try to go to bed lately, in peace. i can't, without my computer...tv episodes in the background. something left on.
i have been crying at nights, again. like it was when i wasn't medicated. feeling overwhelmed. feeling like i would rather be dead.
there just seems like no justice in my life, right now. it is bullshit.
it's being cut down time and time again. by the people who are supposed to be My People.
i was fired from my perfect job last week. i was asked to leave my residence. i had to come back and live in a place Far from where i really want to be;
retrograde.
god, i love that i can just come here and write, instead of being up late and lonely with my tears.
i sat in the dark on my bed and just....silently sobbed.
i think i made a new friend today. it's now as exciting and new as getting your first friend in grade school. i have been that desperate for people to relate to. for warm friendship.
i'm so sad.....i'm so sad.
i dont really want jake to call me while he is away, is my secret. i think he is realizing. it is just HARD.
i'm going through all kinds of different shit. and i know he is too, but he is not big into communication, i can tell. not like he doesnt wan tto, just doesnt know how.
this is just so hard.
"i cant believe they did that to me."
hurts that that has been the mantra in my mind before i go to sleep for too long now.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
sad
i'm feeling a little...hard to tell. maybe cheated. or something like it.
paul just shut off, really. he just turned around and walked away.
i find it hard to believe, though. really. as i would, typically.
i had such strong feelings, and the way that he just Ended it. so matter of factly:
'i thought that i should write you to say i have started a new relationship'
like the one i was in with him wasnt even classified to him as a relationship at all. and likely it wasnt. he wasnt into exploring the rungs of what we had with me.
it just hurts to think that he does want to explore with someone else, all of a sudden. and he doesnt have the decency...
he's just not decent.
i am left with a husk of delusions and manifestations of a growing love for him. i dont know if i should flush them out, or what.
it hurts. i know it does, i'm not even letting myself into how much it hurts.
seems it's all streaming into one now, though, and that is the hardest part.
my dad, steve, my parents, paul, emily, etc...
it hurts.
and now this random dude wants something with me, and i dont know if i even believe in anything anymore. for him....
now i can see almost clearly the reason people only have sex. they don't explore...and when the sex gets boring, they take off....i can see it.
because it hurts to explore youself. there is a wolf on the horizon on the sanddunes, waiting for you to be weak, limp....
it's cruel.
it's not like i even wonder really what his other relationship is like. i just havent even gotten to that point. or maybe never will. it will hang in me as fake and redundant and a rung a couple below the one we were on....
i don't get it.
shallow.
so jay. i guess i should start saying his name. he is here, now. he is there. perhaps we will give eachother a good old fashion summer. or perhaps i am screwing myself over again.
i just dont see him crystal clear.
he doesnt have that 'paul integrity' where he comes right out and says 'i dont do drugs, dont need them to have a good time'.
(no. paul just needs pussy to have a good time.)
and i dont appologize for it.
jay....has potential to be a good friend for me. we have had some of the same problems, traumas. it's neat, the more i talk to him, the more right it seems. good thing.
we are exploring. :)
paul just shut off, really. he just turned around and walked away.
i find it hard to believe, though. really. as i would, typically.
i had such strong feelings, and the way that he just Ended it. so matter of factly:
'i thought that i should write you to say i have started a new relationship'
like the one i was in with him wasnt even classified to him as a relationship at all. and likely it wasnt. he wasnt into exploring the rungs of what we had with me.
it just hurts to think that he does want to explore with someone else, all of a sudden. and he doesnt have the decency...
he's just not decent.
i am left with a husk of delusions and manifestations of a growing love for him. i dont know if i should flush them out, or what.
it hurts. i know it does, i'm not even letting myself into how much it hurts.
seems it's all streaming into one now, though, and that is the hardest part.
my dad, steve, my parents, paul, emily, etc...
it hurts.
and now this random dude wants something with me, and i dont know if i even believe in anything anymore. for him....
now i can see almost clearly the reason people only have sex. they don't explore...and when the sex gets boring, they take off....i can see it.
because it hurts to explore youself. there is a wolf on the horizon on the sanddunes, waiting for you to be weak, limp....
it's cruel.
it's not like i even wonder really what his other relationship is like. i just havent even gotten to that point. or maybe never will. it will hang in me as fake and redundant and a rung a couple below the one we were on....
i don't get it.
shallow.
so jay. i guess i should start saying his name. he is here, now. he is there. perhaps we will give eachother a good old fashion summer. or perhaps i am screwing myself over again.
i just dont see him crystal clear.
he doesnt have that 'paul integrity' where he comes right out and says 'i dont do drugs, dont need them to have a good time'.
(no. paul just needs pussy to have a good time.)
and i dont appologize for it.
jay....has potential to be a good friend for me. we have had some of the same problems, traumas. it's neat, the more i talk to him, the more right it seems. good thing.
we are exploring. :)
Friday, March 14, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
france
gas prices. i am like...felt like i have been punched in the stomach. i had to drive about 60 miles south yesterday...fine...they were at 3.26...that did tick me off a little because i was getting a little agitated at them being 3.11, 3.18. so i think, okay, just wait for the weekend. just wait for it. things will go down.
3.46. they are three forty six!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm driving like, people are whizzing past in these huge SUV, stupid ass moms with their pursed faces who Always give dirty looks to young women, they are even more mean.
(i was carrying a stack of books out of the library the other day and this 40something woman like...totally let the door slam into my arm, almost making me drop all the books and shit. and then she turns around and gives me this dirty look like i just tried to seduce her husband at a cocktail party...and says 'oh sorry, i didnt see you behind me.' she saw me, damnit. people always Check. especially in indiana.
so i'm like wtf is up with these shits....
and then today WHAM 3.46.
and it's going to get worse, you know. they are just settling in now. this summer, i have a feeling things are going to be like Depression-like.
the whole american campaign with No Smoking , Stop your Smoking you nasty Smokers....you know why they are doing that?!??! it's not because they care about us and want to make us all healthy...it's because they want us to give things up, small luxuries, so we can pay for fecking gas prices.
it's now become a Gas Bill.
i'm just very tired and mad. i'm sad.
i cant afford a place to live yet. and bills keep piling up.
joseph left me. my grandparents are dying. i have no friendships, seriously. it's bizarre how i get back, and the closest people i thought were my good friends Turn on a Dime. when it's convenient to not have me around anymore, they make it known.
so i was thinking, driving home. and no, i have been thinking about this for a while now... just blowing this all off and moving to france. where the government is acctually scared and respectful of it's people (watch the whole movie 'marie antoinette' with kirsten dunst. it's so like...superfluous and snotty and then THEN at the END it's awesome to where the people STORM the versailles place and like call her out and it's awesome. the whole movie is this like twisted, idealized, no no, true portrayal of aristocratic behaviour, has NOTHING to do with how life REALLY is...and then in the end, when you see France, you see the real france screaming and torching and cursing for once at these selfcentered pompous financially disgusting royalty who are supposedly appointed by God to choose the fate of the People..well, it's Thrilling..
these people have wonderful health care, maternity leave, childcare, education plans, good family values, healthiest people, cultured...etc. because they're government doesnt LIE, no, they dont LET their government lie to them about spending money on wars they didnt ask for. and doesnt change their brothers into weird, murderous....people you dont even know anymore. they dont just stare with their mouths hanging open when their world trade towers are bombed, and then go to work the next day like nothing happened. something that people forget a couple weeks and a few retarded prime time television seasons later.
i'm totally thinking about doing this.
i mean seriously, i have some french language cds, and i'm going to learn it (pick it up from first year of college) and i'm going to ....
i mean, i dont talk a whole lot anyways. i'm sweet, fairly pretty, well mannered, smiles. i could get by. it would be better than this.
thousands of dollars in debt and not even finished with college.
i feel failed. failled by everyone. my parents, my country, my churches.
the reminds me. i'm going to just crochet this blanket, and read 'catholic book of prayers' and 'lives of saints' now. through spring. throug hthe rest of lent. easter. etc.
i'm so irritated
i just want God to help me.
i cant hear.
phew.
3.46. they are three forty six!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm driving like, people are whizzing past in these huge SUV, stupid ass moms with their pursed faces who Always give dirty looks to young women, they are even more mean.
(i was carrying a stack of books out of the library the other day and this 40something woman like...totally let the door slam into my arm, almost making me drop all the books and shit. and then she turns around and gives me this dirty look like i just tried to seduce her husband at a cocktail party...and says 'oh sorry, i didnt see you behind me.' she saw me, damnit. people always Check. especially in indiana.
so i'm like wtf is up with these shits....
and then today WHAM 3.46.
and it's going to get worse, you know. they are just settling in now. this summer, i have a feeling things are going to be like Depression-like.
the whole american campaign with No Smoking , Stop your Smoking you nasty Smokers....you know why they are doing that?!??! it's not because they care about us and want to make us all healthy...it's because they want us to give things up, small luxuries, so we can pay for fecking gas prices.
it's now become a Gas Bill.
i'm just very tired and mad. i'm sad.
i cant afford a place to live yet. and bills keep piling up.
joseph left me. my grandparents are dying. i have no friendships, seriously. it's bizarre how i get back, and the closest people i thought were my good friends Turn on a Dime. when it's convenient to not have me around anymore, they make it known.
so i was thinking, driving home. and no, i have been thinking about this for a while now... just blowing this all off and moving to france. where the government is acctually scared and respectful of it's people (watch the whole movie 'marie antoinette' with kirsten dunst. it's so like...superfluous and snotty and then THEN at the END it's awesome to where the people STORM the versailles place and like call her out and it's awesome. the whole movie is this like twisted, idealized, no no, true portrayal of aristocratic behaviour, has NOTHING to do with how life REALLY is...and then in the end, when you see France, you see the real france screaming and torching and cursing for once at these selfcentered pompous financially disgusting royalty who are supposedly appointed by God to choose the fate of the People..well, it's Thrilling..
these people have wonderful health care, maternity leave, childcare, education plans, good family values, healthiest people, cultured...etc. because they're government doesnt LIE, no, they dont LET their government lie to them about spending money on wars they didnt ask for. and doesnt change their brothers into weird, murderous....people you dont even know anymore. they dont just stare with their mouths hanging open when their world trade towers are bombed, and then go to work the next day like nothing happened. something that people forget a couple weeks and a few retarded prime time television seasons later.
i'm totally thinking about doing this.
i mean seriously, i have some french language cds, and i'm going to learn it (pick it up from first year of college) and i'm going to ....
i mean, i dont talk a whole lot anyways. i'm sweet, fairly pretty, well mannered, smiles. i could get by. it would be better than this.
thousands of dollars in debt and not even finished with college.
i feel failed. failled by everyone. my parents, my country, my churches.
the reminds me. i'm going to just crochet this blanket, and read 'catholic book of prayers' and 'lives of saints' now. through spring. throug hthe rest of lent. easter. etc.
i'm so irritated
i just want God to help me.
i cant hear.
phew.
Monday, March 10, 2008
wtf
what is with things lately? seriously??
ever since i came back to this state, nothing has been going easily. except for money, which is okay, as far as the stress of that can go.
it's just been one thing after another, though.
have you ever had a few best friends one year, and the next, they change on you on a dime and become the people you shudder to think of? to think of the most current interactions with them makes you want to quit making relationships, looking for them, altogether?
so down.
i dont even know how to write about anything, lately. have been doing a lot of handwork, making a blanket. distracting myself.
i went to a party friday night. it was pretty good. i drank a lot, then crashed on the couch. i woke up the next morning to an old friend, lol, my boyfriend from the 5th grade! kissing me on the cheek to wake up.
and then we re-inacted our 5th grade dance scene, he even remembered exactly what i was saying...and how it felt. we both remembered it.
he's into some shit, so to seem, though. we went out for a drive, i dont know, beer run or something. or maybe that is where that box of chocolates came from...anyways, the police Literally followed us out of the parking lot and pulled him over at the nearest block. ran his license. a list....'i'm taking care of it..'
eh.
now that i think of it, i did smell pot outside, so maybe there is something else going on. but i was just having fun....feeling connected, semi-connected to indiana beat again.
i walked back to my car in the morning and the city felt so great. it was so good to feel indianapolis, and be back. i need to get an apartment there.
it just had this sense of spirit, that morning...it felt new and old-soul to me, both at once.
my parents came to pick my brother up and bring him back to new york on sunday. i kept avoiding my mother's call, her pretensious 'jane..we really want to see you' shit.
i cringe, literally, whenever my phone rings and it's my mother.
can't believe how dumb, no wait....i just feel sorry. i feel sorry for my brother, going up there.
i hope he isn't annailated. by Them. or the state...it can be a rough state.
um. i don't know. it's just everything is no longer solid. it's just like mercury. everything.
i really need to start reading scripture again. getting ready.
i ordered a rosary. :)
ever since i came back to this state, nothing has been going easily. except for money, which is okay, as far as the stress of that can go.
it's just been one thing after another, though.
have you ever had a few best friends one year, and the next, they change on you on a dime and become the people you shudder to think of? to think of the most current interactions with them makes you want to quit making relationships, looking for them, altogether?
so down.
i dont even know how to write about anything, lately. have been doing a lot of handwork, making a blanket. distracting myself.
i went to a party friday night. it was pretty good. i drank a lot, then crashed on the couch. i woke up the next morning to an old friend, lol, my boyfriend from the 5th grade! kissing me on the cheek to wake up.
and then we re-inacted our 5th grade dance scene, he even remembered exactly what i was saying...and how it felt. we both remembered it.
he's into some shit, so to seem, though. we went out for a drive, i dont know, beer run or something. or maybe that is where that box of chocolates came from...anyways, the police Literally followed us out of the parking lot and pulled him over at the nearest block. ran his license. a list....'i'm taking care of it..'
eh.
now that i think of it, i did smell pot outside, so maybe there is something else going on. but i was just having fun....feeling connected, semi-connected to indiana beat again.
i walked back to my car in the morning and the city felt so great. it was so good to feel indianapolis, and be back. i need to get an apartment there.
it just had this sense of spirit, that morning...it felt new and old-soul to me, both at once.
my parents came to pick my brother up and bring him back to new york on sunday. i kept avoiding my mother's call, her pretensious 'jane..we really want to see you' shit.
i cringe, literally, whenever my phone rings and it's my mother.
can't believe how dumb, no wait....i just feel sorry. i feel sorry for my brother, going up there.
i hope he isn't annailated. by Them. or the state...it can be a rough state.
um. i don't know. it's just everything is no longer solid. it's just like mercury. everything.
i really need to start reading scripture again. getting ready.
i ordered a rosary. :)
Thursday, February 28, 2008
feelings
hhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i feel like my life if passing me by. i feel like there is a huge world outside of the one i am stuck in. i hate it.
i hate being in america, i hate living in all these situations i am having to live it, i hate my conscience, i hate my education, etc etc.
i hate waking up every morning with pain. i hate that the only thing i do lately is make a big grey blanket. sad, gloomy grey yarn and a red crochet hook.
i have been making this blanket, out of grey yarn, for the past week. i wrecked my car, so i'm pretty much stuck here. but i know if my car were not wrecked, i wouldnt go anywhere or do anything anyways. i would go to the mall and buy a shirt i cant afford, make eyecontact with no one, hate it there. go to a dirty, dark mexican restaurant. have 2 beers alone, order something off the menu so it looks like i came to eat, but i really came to drink. and then i would drive to the house that i am staying...with two people i barely know. but they are sweet and kind and they dont ask me questions, they just let me live with them. sometimes i despise them for that. most of the time i realize my own patheticness, though. and try to thank god for them.
and no emails. no messages. nothing.
i hate myself for looking for them, even still, about every other hour.
i hate that i have started this blog, because my other one was becoming an obsessive tribute.
i hate how i dont practice my religion anymore, how it just kinda hangs over me like a raincloud.
it's god saying 'no, you cant run off and sleep with anyone you want to. no, you have a peice of my spirit, so you cant just deny your sense of wisdom. no, you cant break out and away as easily as you would like.' etc etc.
the thing i hate most though, is i have god's instillation of 'no, no, no'...but i don't have his love anymore. it seems. my prayers are weak. my life is just a wreckless, passive, sluggish...
i can't get aaway from my constant feeling of emptiness and incomplete.
anyways, it would be one thing if god were nurturing of me. but i feel more and more like he's fencing me in from enjoying the fullness of life. barriers of my heart, because of him, with no explaination.
i have no friends. i developed feelings for someone who i will never know, meet, be in the same room with, i have no parents, i have no brothers or sister, i feel so lonely.
maybe it is not even loneliness. maybe i dont even feel that anymore. more like complacent with this shit.
i steal pain medication from the person i am receiving free room and board from.
i cant get the cat to like me.
it's so cold. so, so cold.
i dont want to be on medicine anymore. that is a big one. i feel like it is not fair, and i want to just quit, because i'm so numb and maybe that is why i cant feel god anymore...but i know that if i nosedive off of them, i will just start to have problems again. i need them to have a job. i need them to atleast keep making attempts at keeping or making new relationships. i need them to get up in the morning.
it's not fair. it's not fucking fair. i was once so innocent and happy and hopeful and now i'm just
a medicated ...like...junky. or something.
i wish i could go back to when i was 14 and 15.
i wish i could have told him back then not to kill himself 10 years from now. it's one of those things were you never think of an old friend at all...i mean, you do and it's like 'oh yeah, i remember that guy' but not intense. and then he kills himself, and suddenly, it's not just his life ending that gets you sad, it's the whole time in your life that you remeber, that you attatch him to. it's all over.
i'm sick now. he was sick, so he blew his brain out.
i'm sick...so i take the medicine, live with people until i wear out my welcome, then on to the next people.
fuck.
i want to know, god. i want to know if its going to worth it. i want to know why you are doing this to me. why this happened.
why you are letting me be so honest with myself right now.
why a big, long, dark grey blanket.
i feel like my life if passing me by. i feel like there is a huge world outside of the one i am stuck in. i hate it.
i hate being in america, i hate living in all these situations i am having to live it, i hate my conscience, i hate my education, etc etc.
i hate waking up every morning with pain. i hate that the only thing i do lately is make a big grey blanket. sad, gloomy grey yarn and a red crochet hook.
i have been making this blanket, out of grey yarn, for the past week. i wrecked my car, so i'm pretty much stuck here. but i know if my car were not wrecked, i wouldnt go anywhere or do anything anyways. i would go to the mall and buy a shirt i cant afford, make eyecontact with no one, hate it there. go to a dirty, dark mexican restaurant. have 2 beers alone, order something off the menu so it looks like i came to eat, but i really came to drink. and then i would drive to the house that i am staying...with two people i barely know. but they are sweet and kind and they dont ask me questions, they just let me live with them. sometimes i despise them for that. most of the time i realize my own patheticness, though. and try to thank god for them.
and no emails. no messages. nothing.
i hate myself for looking for them, even still, about every other hour.
i hate that i have started this blog, because my other one was becoming an obsessive tribute.
i hate how i dont practice my religion anymore, how it just kinda hangs over me like a raincloud.
it's god saying 'no, you cant run off and sleep with anyone you want to. no, you have a peice of my spirit, so you cant just deny your sense of wisdom. no, you cant break out and away as easily as you would like.' etc etc.
the thing i hate most though, is i have god's instillation of 'no, no, no'...but i don't have his love anymore. it seems. my prayers are weak. my life is just a wreckless, passive, sluggish...
i can't get aaway from my constant feeling of emptiness and incomplete.
anyways, it would be one thing if god were nurturing of me. but i feel more and more like he's fencing me in from enjoying the fullness of life. barriers of my heart, because of him, with no explaination.
i have no friends. i developed feelings for someone who i will never know, meet, be in the same room with, i have no parents, i have no brothers or sister, i feel so lonely.
maybe it is not even loneliness. maybe i dont even feel that anymore. more like complacent with this shit.
i steal pain medication from the person i am receiving free room and board from.
i cant get the cat to like me.
it's so cold. so, so cold.
i dont want to be on medicine anymore. that is a big one. i feel like it is not fair, and i want to just quit, because i'm so numb and maybe that is why i cant feel god anymore...but i know that if i nosedive off of them, i will just start to have problems again. i need them to have a job. i need them to atleast keep making attempts at keeping or making new relationships. i need them to get up in the morning.
it's not fair. it's not fucking fair. i was once so innocent and happy and hopeful and now i'm just
a medicated ...like...junky. or something.
i wish i could go back to when i was 14 and 15.
i wish i could have told him back then not to kill himself 10 years from now. it's one of those things were you never think of an old friend at all...i mean, you do and it's like 'oh yeah, i remember that guy' but not intense. and then he kills himself, and suddenly, it's not just his life ending that gets you sad, it's the whole time in your life that you remeber, that you attatch him to. it's all over.
i'm sick now. he was sick, so he blew his brain out.
i'm sick...so i take the medicine, live with people until i wear out my welcome, then on to the next people.
fuck.
i want to know, god. i want to know if its going to worth it. i want to know why you are doing this to me. why this happened.
why you are letting me be so honest with myself right now.
why a big, long, dark grey blanket.
inconsequential
this word, inconsequential, just popped into my head. trying to think of a word that best described how i have been feeling lately. this one is perfect.
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