france

gas prices. i am like...felt like i have been punched in the stomach. i had to drive about 60 miles south yesterday...fine...they were at 3.26...that did tick me off a little because i was getting a little agitated at them being 3.11, 3.18. so i think, okay, just wait for the weekend. just wait for it. things will go down.
3.46. they are three forty six!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm driving like, people are whizzing past in these huge SUV, stupid ass moms with their pursed faces who Always give dirty looks to young women, they are even more mean.
(i was carrying a stack of books out of the library the other day and this 40something woman like...totally let the door slam into my arm, almost making me drop all the books and shit. and then she turns around and gives me this dirty look like i just tried to seduce her husband at a cocktail party...and says 'oh sorry, i didnt see you behind me.' she saw me, damnit. people always Check. especially in indiana.
so i'm like wtf is up with these shits....
and then today WHAM 3.46.
and it's going to get worse, you know. they are just settling in now. this summer, i have a feeling things are going to be like Depression-like.
the whole american campaign with No Smoking , Stop your Smoking you nasty Smokers....you know why they are doing that?!??! it's not because they care about us and want to make us all healthy...it's because they want us to give things up, small luxuries, so we can pay for fecking gas prices.
it's now become a Gas Bill.

i'm just very tired and mad. i'm sad.
i cant afford a place to live yet. and bills keep piling up.
joseph left me. my grandparents are dying. i have no friendships, seriously. it's bizarre how i get back, and the closest people i thought were my good friends Turn on a Dime. when it's convenient to not have me around anymore, they make it known.

so i was thinking, driving home. and no, i have been thinking about this for a while now... just blowing this all off and moving to france. where the government is acctually scared and respectful of it's people (watch the whole movie 'marie antoinette' with kirsten dunst. it's so like...superfluous and snotty and then THEN at the END it's awesome to where the people STORM the versailles place and like call her out and it's awesome. the whole movie is this like twisted, idealized, no no, true portrayal of aristocratic behaviour, has NOTHING to do with how life REALLY is...and then in the end, when you see France, you see the real france screaming and torching and cursing for once at these selfcentered pompous financially disgusting royalty who are supposedly appointed by God to choose the fate of the People..well, it's Thrilling..
these people have wonderful health care, maternity leave, childcare, education plans, good family values, healthiest people, cultured...etc. because they're government doesnt LIE, no, they dont LET their government lie to them about spending money on wars they didnt ask for. and doesnt change their brothers into weird, murderous....people you dont even know anymore. they dont just stare with their mouths hanging open when their world trade towers are bombed, and then go to work the next day like nothing happened. something that people forget a couple weeks and a few retarded prime time television seasons later.
i'm totally thinking about doing this.
i mean seriously, i have some french language cds, and i'm going to learn it (pick it up from first year of college) and i'm going to ....
i mean, i dont talk a whole lot anyways. i'm sweet, fairly pretty, well mannered, smiles. i could get by. it would be better than this.
thousands of dollars in debt and not even finished with college.
i feel failed. failled by everyone. my parents, my country, my churches.

the reminds me. i'm going to just crochet this blanket, and read 'catholic book of prayers' and 'lives of saints' now. through spring. throug hthe rest of lent. easter. etc.
i'm so irritated
i just want God to help me.
i cant hear.

phew.