wtf

what is with things lately? seriously??
ever since i came back to this state, nothing has been going easily. except for money, which is okay, as far as the stress of that can go.
it's just been one thing after another, though.

have you ever had a few best friends one year, and the next, they change on you on a dime and become the people you shudder to think of? to think of the most current interactions with them makes you want to quit making relationships, looking for them, altogether?

so down.
i dont even know how to write about anything, lately. have been doing a lot of handwork, making a blanket. distracting myself.

i went to a party friday night. it was pretty good. i drank a lot, then crashed on the couch. i woke up the next morning to an old friend, lol, my boyfriend from the 5th grade! kissing me on the cheek to wake up.
and then we re-inacted our 5th grade dance scene, he even remembered exactly what i was saying...and how it felt. we both remembered it.
he's into some shit, so to seem, though. we went out for a drive, i dont know, beer run or something. or maybe that is where that box of chocolates came from...anyways, the police Literally followed us out of the parking lot and pulled him over at the nearest block. ran his license. a list....'i'm taking care of it..'
eh.
now that i think of it, i did smell pot outside, so maybe there is something else going on. but i was just having fun....feeling connected, semi-connected to indiana beat again.
i walked back to my car in the morning and the city felt so great. it was so good to feel indianapolis, and be back. i need to get an apartment there.
it just had this sense of spirit, that morning...it felt new and old-soul to me, both at once.

my parents came to pick my brother up and bring him back to new york on sunday. i kept avoiding my mother's call, her pretensious 'jane..we really want to see you' shit.
i cringe, literally, whenever my phone rings and it's my mother.
can't believe how dumb, no wait....i just feel sorry. i feel sorry for my brother, going up there.
i hope he isn't annailated. by Them. or the state...it can be a rough state.

um. i don't know. it's just everything is no longer solid. it's just like mercury. everything.

i really need to start reading scripture again. getting ready.
i ordered a rosary. :)